10 things that won’t change when gay marriage becomes legal

Dearest Heteros:

I have been rather incensed lately by some of the commentary that I’ve been reading on conservative, “Christian” blogs regarding gay marriage. You seem so worked up over something that will have absolutely no bearing on your life. One commentator said that he needs to “defend” marriage, as if somehow allowing more people to marry will make his marriage less valid and secure. Maybe you’re all afraid of diluting the matrimony pool or something. Maybe you’re afraid that giving all those good-looking guys and gals the option of tying the knot will provide more competition for you. I don’t get it.

I just want to reassure you of some of the things that will remain completely unchanged after gay marriage becomes legal. We all know it’s going to happen eventually, so calm down, prepare yourself, and read the following points to make yourselves feel a little better.

  1. You will still be able to date straight men and women. We gays might think some of them are hot from time to time, but they probably aren’t going to be interested in dating/marrying someone of the same sex. See… no increase in competition.
  2. You’ll still be able to get a marriage license. It might not say “husband” or “wife” on it, but that will simply give you more leeway when deciding who is going to wear the pants in the family.
  3. You will still be able to have sex, but those of you who like to thump Bibles over the gay issue should be aware that intercourse before marriage is considered fornication. I guess that’s okay though, since you’ve been making gays commit fornication for years by prohibiting same-sex marriage. As far as sex after marriage…
  4. Guys, I can guarantee you that your wife will still claim she has a headache several times a month, and she’ll probably completely stop performing oral sex once you “put a ring on it.” I’m referring to a wedding ring, of course, so get your minds out of the gutter. Just remember that your wife might be refusing to go downtown because she doesn’t want to commit the mortal sin of sodomy. Yeah, I bet you didn’t realize that anything besides vaginal-penile intercourse is sodomy, huh? You abominable little sodomite, you.
  5. I can promise your mother-in-law will still be showing up unexpectedly for the weekend. That is unless your wife/husband has a gay sibling, since I’m sure she would have much more fun spending her weekend with them getting mani-pedis or picking out gardening tools at the Home Depot.
  6. You men will still be expected to go shopping for something fabulous to give wifey on anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays. Don’t blame us if all the good gifts are gone when you get there. You had all those years to pick out the good stuff while we were at home crying in our closets.
  7. Ladies, don’t expect your husbands to instantly start showering properly and picking out clothes that match just because the gay guys living next door are immaculately groomed and attractive. Straight guys will continue to stay in touch with their masculine side by languishing in their own filth, farting out loud, and scratching their private parts in public. It’s been that way for thousands of years, and we wouldn’t want anything to change now would we?
  8. Gentleguys, your wife is still going to expect you to mow the lawn, take out the trash, and walk the dog. Just because the two ladies across the street are sharing those chores doesn’t mean you’re getting off the hook. You married for better or worse, right? Sometimes “worse” includes picking up dog poop and carrying it home in a plastic baggie.
  9. If and when the behavior of your significant other becomes completely intolerable, you will still be able to file for a divorce. Keep in mind that you may not be able to afford a divorce since you spent all your extra money trying to keep gays from getting married, but you can always move to opposite ends of the house. We know you conveniently “forgot” about that whole divorce thing being bad for marriage, but we’ll keep that little tidbit on the down low.
  10. And finally, all those earthquakes, hurricanes, and terrorist attacks that the crazies claims will happen when gays get married… those are going to happen anyway. I mean, if God uses cataclysmic events to punish us for our behavior, He must have really hated those dinosaurs.

In all seriousness, though, there isn’t anything to worry about. You can continue on with your lives as before, safe in the knowledge that your marriage is significant and worthwhile. You can even watch us make fools of ourselves as we get a crash course in what it means to be legally joined with another person. I’m sure you’ll have lots of laughs and opportunities to poke fun, but remember that some of you have had a lifetime of experience and more support from the community at large than we could ever dream of.

You may gloat over the fact that we can’t reproduce without scientific or outside intervention. You can feel a little glee in knowing we might never feel comfortable or safe holding hands in public. You may wear your homophobia, your discrimination, and your fear of change like a badge for the rest of your lives, but know this… we will prevail. We are on the right side of history, and time will prove that you are wrong.

Queerly yours,
Brian