Coming Out
Part One
Originally published 10/11/2007
I came out to my parents almost thirteen years ago through a letter left on the dining room table. I simply couldn’t muster the courage to do it in person, so I waited until they had left one evening, laid it in a conspicuous location, and retreated to my sister’s house to wait for the seemingly inevitable wrath.
This letter came shortly after I had taken an overdose, been hospitalized, and forced to enter counseling. This is important to know for two reasons. First, the letter will make more sense when it refers to these things. Second, you will hopefully have a better understanding of my frame of mind at the time it was written.
The fact that I was raised in a religion that taught that homosexuality was comparable to demon-possession and would surely damn me to hell is also important to recognize. That was a large part of what made my struggle so painful, as writing this letter was in many ways an abandonment of my faith.
Dear Mom & Dad,
I don’t know exactly how to go about this, but I’ll do the best I can. The last year has been one that I’ll never forget. I saw my lowest points and my highest all in the space of twelve months. One day I thought no one loved me, that I was unlovable and a monster, and that there was no reason to live; then within a few hours I realized that wasn’t true. You both showed me how much you really cared. I feel like I really know who my father is for the first time. I’ll never forget the look of horror on his face that night as I passed out in his arms. I knew then that he really loved me, but I was scared that we might have waited too late to get to know each other. But somehow I made it. I hate that it all happened, but I think maybe it was good because I got help and am still getting help and also because it brought our family closer.
So, looking back on nineteen-ninety-four, I’d say we did pretty good. I feel like a new person. I see the beauty in life again and I have regained some of my self-esteem which hasn’t been easy. I think I know who I am now and I’m not taking someone else’s identity for my own.
The reason I’m writing this letter is because I can’t tell you this face-to-face. Here goes…
I’ve been sexually attracted to men my whole life. I know this will kill you and I’m really, really sorry. It’s okay to cry and scream. I’ve been crying and screaming at God my whole life. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? I’ve always been a good person. I always went to church and prayed. So why would this happen to me? I don’t know, but I do know it’s not a choice, because I’d rather be an invalid than choose this. I have never been sexually attracted to women even though I tried everything to be “normal”. I’ve used pornography, movies, everything I could think of to be like everyone else, but it doesn’t work. I’ve prayed to God over and over and over to deliver me and save me. I told him I’d do my best if he’d save me and change me, but he hasn’t. So I started to hate myself, turning all the hostility I felt towards everyone for making fun of me in on myself. I decided if I was going to be so hated and so abandoned by God that I would spare you and me alot of pain if I died, so I tried it. But for some reason, God has spared me from a wreck and suicide so I know he loves me even if no one else does.
Homosexuality is not demon possesion. Yeah, I know there are some pretty sick people out there, but I think they hate themselves so much they don’t care what they do. I know for a fact that I am not demon-possesed. I love God very much and I fear him. I love church and I am extremely opposed to anything Satanic or cultish.
I don’t understand why I am like this but I have been this way my whole life, so I think it’s time I accept it. If I have to keep living a lie I will probably kill myself. You don’t understand how you have to guard everything you say and do to keep people from finding out about you. I still think you may have wondered. I’m 20 and I’ve never been on a real date and show no interest, so you had alot of clues.
I told [my sister] three weeks ago. We was [sic] in Pizza Hut and I told her. She was stunned. She wanted to know if I liked all men. I said no. I had taste just like she does. Then she wanted to know if the counsellor could put me on some medicine to make me different. I told her if she could there wouldn’t be anyone like this. Anyway, she’s done pretty well accepting me. She told me she was going to pray that God would help me. I guess you can do the same, but believe me, I’m not like this from lack of prayer. I have prayed until I was physically and emotionally exhausted but it didn’t help. Even Jesus begged God all night to deliver him from the crucifixion, but God didn’t. Somehow, I relate to him very much on that and it makes me cry.
So, I’m really sorry and I hope you’re okay. I love you and I’m still the same person you’ve always known and the same one that you held in the hospital when I cried. I wanted to tell you sooner, but I was scared you would kick me out or something. But now that’s a chance I have to take. If you need to talk to me, you can call me at [my sister’s] or come see me.
I’m sorry and I love you.
Brian
December 31, 1994
Part Two
Originally published 10/15/2007
I hid out at my sister’s house for the next twenty-four hours, nervous about what was to come but feeling slightly excited about the future at the same time. My sister went to see my parents the next day and returned with the following note from my father.
Brian,
Please don’t say or do anything else until we have a chance to talk.I love you.
P.S. Don’t be afraid to come home.
The letter calmed some of my fears, but I was still apprehensive about the conversations I knew I would be having with my parents upon my return.
Finally, after a couple of days had passed, I decided to face the music. I can’t remember exactly where my mother was in the house or what she was doing, but I do remember that she was avoiding me. My dad and I went into my room, where he explained that my mother wasn’t taking things very well. We talked for quite a while and he reassured me that he loved me and that everything would be alright. A few days later, he presented me with another handwritten letter that I cherish to this very day.
Honesty
Integrity
Courage
Intelligence
Sensitivity
Love for children
Love for animals
Love for nature & its beauty
Lack of prejudice
Talent for singing
Talent for making people laugh
Sense of humor
Love of giving things
Ability to see through phony issues
Willingness to workBrian,
This is a list of a few things that make me proud to tell people that you are my boy. It took about 5 min to think of these.
Dad
My parents decided I should see a Christian counselor, as my mother was concerned that the secular counselor I’d been seeing might have influenced my decision to reveal my homosexuality. I relented, even though the counselor they selected was the father of one of my best friends in high school. I also was already beginning to revel in my newly-found freedom and knew that nothing this man had to say was going to have any impact on my sexuality. He could tell me nothing that I hadn’t studied and been anguished over many times before.
Needless to say, the ensuing therapy session was quite uncomfortable. I explained my situation, only to be informed that God gives certain people trials that they have to bear. He explained that the temptation was going to always be there, but that I was required to resist it. He compared it to himself, a married man, being tempted by another women. I didn’t see this comparison as parallel, since he could still go home and have sexual relations with the woman he was married to. It just didn’t seem fair that God would require me to be celibate for the rest of my life. The session ended with me informing him that I had never had sexual relations with his son, which brought a huge smile of relief to his face.
At this point, only my immediate family and two counselors knew my secret. As my walls came down and my words and actions became less guarded, I felt a tremendous sense of relief. It seemed that the next obvious step would be revealing the truth to my co-workers.
After telling one of them the truth and seeing that he took it very well and basically had no reaction, I decided to use him as my messenger. I asked him to bring it up casually to two other employees and see what they said. Apparently, he didn’t understand my intent, because he went straight to them and announced, “Brian’s gay.”
That kind of news spreads like wildfire and it was no time before my boss, a devout Southern Baptist, came around to ask me if the rumor was true. He talked to me at length, before I was called into the office to talk to his wife. I was worried that I might lose my job, even though I had already been working there full-time for over two years and part-time for five years. After being reassured that my job was safe, my employers said that they wanted to make sure I really was gay and asked me to go see a Christian counselor. They even offered to pay, but I declined, explaining that I’d already been down that road.
Things at home eventually got so miserable between Mom and me that I decided it would be best to find my own place to live. I stayed with my aunt and uncle for a couple of weeks while searching for and finding a suitable apartment. My life was changing quickly, but it all seemed to be going in a positive direction… at least for me.
As time passed, the relationship with my mother slowly started to heal. I understood her grief, most of which was based on her religious beliefs about homosexuality. Part of it could have been shame or the realization that I’d probably never have children. We had some long discussions, with me explaining my side of things and her reminding me that I was turning my back on God. Eventually, we got to the point where my sexuality was nothing more than an invisible ghost lurking in the background – something we knew was there but shouldn’t be discussed.
In the years before I came out to my parents, I always assumed that my dad would have the strongest reaction to my revelation, while Mom would take it in stride. I was much closer to my mother growing up, never really feeling any deep connection with my father. As cliched as it may sound, I didn’t feel like I knew him at all. Looking back, I find it somewhat amusing that neither of them had the reaction I was expecting.
A few years ago, after the demise of an eight-year relationship, my mother and sister somehow surmised that this “gay” phase of my life had finally come to an end and they had high hopes that I would finally settle down with a female. Later, after I had introduced a romantic interest to my dad, I got word that Mom and my sister did not want to meet him. Apparently this new guy had dashed all their hopes and they thought if they’d just ignore the “problem” it (or he) might go away. I decided I’d had enough.
The two letters that I wrote – one to my mother and one to my sister – were harsh, but not unfair. I explained that I was tired of being unable to bring my partner to family gatherings and that it was high-time they dealt with reality. I wrote that I felt they were choosing their religion and their church friends over their real family members. I informed them both that I would no longer attend any family events until they accepted that this was who I was and this was the person that I wanted to be with. It was several weeks before we talked again, but things did improve. Today, my partner goes with me when I visit my mother and grandmother.
I know that both of my parents love me. This might not have been the lifestyle that they would have wanted for their only son, but they’ve always been there for me when I needed them most. I feel closer to my father than ever before, my mother has come to realize that life isn’t so black and white, and I’ve found a wonderful person to share my life with. Just imagine what I could have missed out on if I hadn’t put pen to paper all those years ago!
Comments
Wow. I know that was hard, but a relief to have it out in the open.
I don’t know what else to say, except that I find it funny that 2 years later when you and I spent the night at your parents house, your mom made your sister sleep in the living room floor with us, you know, in case I had reformed you or something. LOL.
Wow, is right. What courage! I’m curious about your parents’ initial reaction and when/how they came to accept the true you. Please do a part 2 and share more of your story.
JimT
What a brave soul you are, Brian. I’m so glad that you shared this, and that you survived your suicide attempt. Otherwise, none of us would have had the honor of getting to know someone as good-hearted and wise as you are.
I read Wendy’s blog “Life with Buck”. I have known her for years, ever since my son and her oldest son became friends, probably about 20 years ago. She also is my sister’s dearest friend. That’s where I came across you and decided to check out your blog. You are one courageous guy. Glad you are still here to share your story. It might inspire even just one person to accept their self and love their self for who they are. My son’s ex-girlfriend died of a heroin overdose on Sept. 7th. As I sat in church for her memorial, I thought the same thing. If her death inspires just one person to get off and stay off the junk her death won’t be in vain. Life can be hard but it can be so good too.
For a 20-year-old to have expressed himself so eloguently even while in such pain . . . I am just floored. The young author of that letter expressed himself such raw truth and heartache, yet it was not painful to read. It was thrilling to read, to experience such a worthwhile soul come to peace within himself. And you somehow did it selflessly, out of pure love for the people who love you. It was a kind letter, written out of kindess to your parents and to yourself.
I know I overuse the expression “beautiful thinker” when referring to you, but this is a perfect example. It’s as if you are one of those rock tumblers: you put in a rock and it gets bounced around inside until the beauty is finally revealed. That’s you, Brian. Ideas and thoughts, moments both trivial and monumental, bounce around inside your head and by the time they’re ready to come out and be seen they are no longer rocks, but diamonds.
My heart aches for young people who struggle with the decision over how or when, or even why to come out to their parents. This letter is valuable to anyone, young or old, who is suffering with this decision.
@ Alyson – I remember that. Too funny!
@ JimT – That’s a good idea. I’ll get to work on it.
@ MBMQ – And I’d have missed out on all of you wonderful people, too.
@ Joan – Welcome to my site! Isn’t Wendy fantastic? Life certainly does have its ups-and-downs, but it’s all worth it if we have people that love us.
@ Wendy – This may be the single nicest thing that anyone has ever said about me. I can’t describe how much I appreciate your comment.
this made me cry. brian, your story of redemption through this is achingly beautiful.
Talk about brave…
Isn’t it amazing how sometimes you’d choose anything but your situation, and still, people want to think it was your choice. Makes me think about what it’s like for people with addictions, too.
I just stumbled onto yout site – and I think you’re great for posting that letter. Pretty darn personal.
Brian, I had no idea today was the official Coming Out Day. What a beautiful, well thought out letter. I can’t wait to read Part 2 and see what took place with your folks next. :) I’m glad you came out. I’m glad you found love, and I’m glad you still found God’s love, too.
I’ve never commented here before, Brian, but I had to step out of the shadows to tell you that you, my brother, have ENORMOUS BALLS. To open yourself to the world in this way shows your true mettle and I for one am exceptionally happy and grateful that you posted this. Happy anniversary, and thank you.
Wow, this is really touching. I had it so easy compared to so many and it just breaks my heart what you went through. The fact that you are still alive thirteen years later is a good sign. I hope your family learned to accept you.
@ ohchicken – Considering we had similar religious upbringings, I’m sure you could relate. Thanks for your touching comment.
@ Caroline – Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, huh?
@ januarys – Yes, it’s certainly made me more sympathetic to the situations of others.
@ Byrd – Thank you so much! I’m glad, too.
@ Dad Gone Mad – I consider it the ultimate compliment that you commented here. Wow.
@ Natasha – I enjoyed reading your story, too. Thanks so much for stopping by.
I was so saddened by that letter… You cant change who you are, and why would you ever want God to change how you are!
In Christianity ‘He’ made you that way!!!
You’re YOU. Even if that you is a Man-liking Gay You!! If you’re somebody else then you wouldn’t BE YOU. If that makes sense in a Dr. Seussish way.
any Christian who condemns you for being something you cant control – is not a christian at all.
Much love,
Alyssa
hey brian, i wrote a belated coming out story over here if you’re interested.
xo
I really enjoyed your post. I loved hearing the story of another Gay Christian… since there aren’t really many of us out there!!
@ Alyssa – I’m already at work on it, so it should be posted within the next few days. Thanks for your comment!
@ ohchicken – Loved the story! Thanks for sharing.
@ anglicanboy – There are probably more than we can possibly imagine. Thanks for stopping by!
You are so fortunate to have a dad that will talk to you like that. That’s awesome. And LOL about the counselor’s son.
I never knew that your family still thought it was a phase, as recently as as a few years ago. That amazes me.
I’m sorry but the counselor’s son thing made me laugh, too. I probably would have told him otherwise, even though it was untrue, because I’m a passive aggressive person who would have wanted to get in one really good punch before I left his office.
Your father’s list of Brianisms was such a wonderful gift, and it’s probably from him that you get so much of your talent for compassionate writing. I’m sorry that your mother has struggled with it so. Old thought patterns die hard, I suppose. But it sounds as if her love for you is bigger and stronger than anything else she’s up against, and those two things are winning the battle for her.
And I was so relieved that you didn’t backslide when it would have been such an easy way out. By moving forward in your life with what you knew was right, your life began to fall into place. How wonderful that it has unfolded just as is should. And you’re even willing to share it with all of us. Thank you, Brian!
Wow! What a great note to get from your Dad at such a tense moment. What a great note to get from your Dad at any time and it only took him 5 minutes. I think I will take some time to write some notes to my children.
Thanks for the story. My sister went through a rough time with my mother. When she told my parents, my mother was shocked and took years to get over her feelings of betrayal. My father was supportive in a passive way. I can’t imagine my father writing a note like that though. And, life is hard enough without Christian counseling.
Ok, TWO “christian” counselors? That boggles the mind.
I remember very clearly when a very close friend of mine revealed that he was gay. We had known each other for several years and were great friends. He had frequently made suggestive denials of his homosexuality. It was a tough thing for him, obviously, and he managed to sincerely confuse me–meaning, I could never quite figure out if he was gay, not that it mattered, but he did frequently bring the subject up and talk about how he wasn’t. One night we were hanging out in bar (it happened to be a “gay” bar but because it was near the place where we were both working, I never put the pieces together) and I asked him to walk me to my car (it was a dark and creepy part of town.) As we were leaving the bar, he just blurted out “I’m gay.” And quite honestly, I was really stunned. I had no idea what to say; in fact, I thought he was joking. I can’t remember if I laughed or not, but I’m afraid to say I might have. If I did, it was only because I was caught completely off guard and was totally, utterly unclear as to whether he was actually making a statement that I should have been paying more attention to. A few days later, I couldn’t shake the event from my mind, so I wrote him and email and asked if he was serious. He said he was and explained what a difficult decision it had been to tell me and to tell the rest of his friends, particularly those who had believed for so long that he was straight. He was kind of a different person from that day on. Eventually we moved to seperate states but last I heard, he was in a very nice relationship with a math teacher, and is also in law school with an intent to do some kind of discriminatory law work. I am so happy that he can now put his energy into something that is really important and can affect so many people in a positive way, rather than spending all that energy hiding. It’s just not right.
I guess the reason I’m writing all this is because I have lived it very directly from the “other side” if you will, and I cannot imagine what a difficult thing it is to come out to even your closest family and friends, let alone co-workers and the world. My friend struggled for a very long time with it…and I was very close to him and could barely see what was going on. It must be so hard to keep this kind of thing “hidden” or feel like you can’t say a word. What an incredibly freeing, yet very scary feeling to have everything out on the table. That kind of courage in other people is what makes me keep working on bettering myself everyday.
Brian- When I think of how you handled this, it brought parts of the poem “If” (by Rudyard Kipling) to mind:
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too…
…If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools…
You know your heart, and you know your mind, and once you began being true to yourself, you couldn’t go back. It’s who you are, and it’s very inspiring.
I’m glad your friends and family came around– it would have been a great loss to them if they hadn’t.
You are a comfort and a godsend. I’m always enriched by other people sharing their often traumatic “coming out” stories. I particularly liked the aspect of your letter where you wrote:
Homosexuality is not demon possesion. Yeah, I know there are some pretty sick people out there, but I think they hate themselves so much they don’t care what they do. I know for a fact that I am not demon-possesed. I love God very much and I fear him. I love church and I am extremly opposed to anything Satanic or cultish.
I can very much identify with that sentiment. It can be a bit overwhelming, at times, that the drag queens in the front of the parade get all of the publicity, while the “boring” homosexuals like us are cast as some sort of “exception to the rule.” It’s simply not so, and the more people like you and I tell the world so, the more they will understand it.
My own Grandfather, my father’s father, was a deacon in our church. While I never had the courage to directly come out to him before he died, I did have a long talk with him while he was in the hospital, and I feel that he knew. I reassured him that while I no longer went to the church, my relationship with God remained strong, I prayed every night (still do), I had a good notion of where I was going with my life and had someone that I loved who loved me back, and my faith in God would always be a driving force in my actions. I later learned from my grandmother that my grandfather had spoken to her about that very conversation, and he was proud of me and felt I had a good head on my shoulders. When she told me that I was brought to tears. My grandfather seldom expressed love in so many words, but tended towards expressing it in actions.
Sorry to ramble, but your post brought up memories. Thanks for sharing and keep on being you. We’re all better for it.
jamie
@ Alyson – Yep. It even surprised me.
@ Wendy – In hindsight, it is pretty funny!
@ randomyriad – I do have a great dad, huh?
@ Caroline – Thanks for sharing that story! I’m sure you friend knew that you were supportive. I might have nervously laughed myself if placed in that same situation.
@ MBMQ – I love that poem, but I feel unworthy to be compared to it.
@ Jamie – You comment is so touching. Thanks for sharing that story. It reminded me of my own experiences with my grandfather.
He was a strict Pentecostal man, but very quiet and kind. Just before he died, my previous partner and I spent the night with him in the hospital and it meant so much to him that he wept the next morning when telling a friend about it. A few days later, he had a tube down his throat and was unable to speak, but he summoned the strength to reach for my partner’s hand as we stood by his bed. It was such an unexpected and tender moment that I couldn’t control my tears.
He died shortly after, but I think he realized that what a person has in their heart and the way they treat others is the only thing that truly matters in the end.
“but I think he realized that what a person has in their heart and the way they treat others is the only thing that truly matters in the end.”
Very true.
That applies to us all. No matter what we look like on the outside or what we have or don’t have, it is the INSIDE that matters.
Love ya!!!
I thought your dad would be more excepting than your mom — just from other things you’ve written about concerning your family. I’m so glad he was so kind and willing to be a little open-minded about it. With you writing about your coming out letter, it reminded me about my coming out story. I really do hope and pray for all those who have come out this year. I hope they’ve found at least one person has accepted them.
I’ve just recently started visiting here; you are very thoughtful, very articulate. Your parents’ reactions of course brought up my own memories — my father wrote me an e-mail saying he was pleased I’d found someone to love, that it was a wonderful blessing. And to please not tell my mother he’d been in contact with me, as she was completely unable to deal. So I didn’t, and he died before she got over it, and I never saw him again.
On the other hand, my 90-year-old granddad had a lightbulb come on over his head (a-HA!) when he met my darling wife, and was loving and affectionate with both of us for the rest of his very long life.
@ Liz – Exactly. Love you, too!
@ Byrd – I’d love to read your coming out story, if you feel like sharing it.
@ Bosquechica – What a nice comment. I just read your entire blog and added you to my blogroll. Thanks for stopping by!
wow, i’m happy for you,
You have gone throuhg many personal tribulations and I humbly bow to a man that can be so brave and honest where you emotionally risked the most; with your family and co-workers. A life of personal triumphs, I would add. A sI told you before, the churches are the onbes that need to change, not the people that are scorned by being what God made them to be. You were born that way for a reason, to put compassion inpeople’s hearts by “being among them”.
Yolanda: I hope that I can have a positive impact in this area, so that things are a little easier on the next guy who comes out. Thank you for your kind comment!
Brian,
Happened on your blog from the WordPress Dashboard. Thanks for writing so honestly about your struggles with faith and your family. You’re quite the fighter.
May every day bring you closer to Jesus Christ. We’re all “in repair”!
Your brother in Christ,
W.H.
@ Wei Hsien: Thank you so much for your kind words. You’re right… we are all “in repair”!
Wow. What a story. You and I are of differing generations, but coming out is always difficult. Good for you in your tenacity and honesty- both with yourself and your family. You might be interested in my blog piece- http://alligatorreport.wordpress.com/2007/09/09/a-half-century-on-the-planet-a-reflection-on-my-50th-birthday/
Although it isn’t a coming out story- my reconciling life and God with being gay is part of my story.
Best of Luck!
Randy
My side of the family is more laxed about someone’s sexuality than my my husband’s (even my husband himself). I used to be homophobic, but when I found out that a good friend at the time was gay, and found out I had feelings for women as well as men…you really can’t end up hating yourself. I ditched church for an atheistic form of Buddhism, tried to go back to church, married, but ended up I’m a born religious skeptic and bi.
I’m lucky my family at least still loves me…one of my best friends is gay, and his parents more or less disowned him.
Brian,
Thanks for sharing your truthful and moving story. I went to a catholic school and my best friend since the fourth grade came out to me in college. He said “Remember when you had a crush on Mike in the 8th grade, well so did I.” As if I didn’t already now.
I didn’t realize how much our religion had hurt him. I figured he could just ignore the part of our religion that said that homosexuality was wrong. After all there was so much we didn’t agree with that we were taught. But it was so much deeper then that. I like what you said about reinventing God because that is what it took for both of us and he had to heal. Our religion and beliefs caused him deep wounds.
For me it meant leaving the church and choosing a different religion outside of christianity. But I am always reinventing my spiritiuality. I believe that that is part of growing.
Thank you for sharing your personal story.
Happy New Year,
lna
Hi Brian,
Good on you for accepting yourself and allowing others to know and accept your whole humanity. I liked your Dad’s list of why he loves and respects you, sexuality doesn’t even come into it.
I believe that God has always known you, and everything about you, and loves and cherishes you as much as any fundamental bible bashing bigot.
Um, I dont know if that came out right but well done on being inspirational to everyone who lives in fear of rejection for whatever reason.
I have a few friends that are gay and haven’t come out yet. Although they are not religious in any regard it must have been hard for you to come out under these circumstances. I am an atheist and I sometimes feel a similar way when I have to tell girlfriends parents/families that I am an atheist and do not share the same world view as them.
It can be tough sometimes but you have to push on through.
Skelliot.
@ Randy: Reconciling this with my faith was much harder than any of the problems that I’ve encountered along with way with family, friend, and life in general.
@ Jersey: You’re right. We really can’t go around hating ourselves. ;)
@ Ina4va: That’s a cute story about your friend crushing on the same guy as you. I’m glad that you were a true friend and helped him through his pain with religion, etc.
@ Anne Marie: It totally came out right! Thanks for commenting.
@ Skelliot: I can see where your situation could be very difficult in certain circumstances, since you are forced to “come out” over and over. Glad you stopped by!
Brian,
I stumbled upon your website while looking for a version of “He looked beyond my faults”. Normally I don’t submit comments to websites. As a matter of fact this is my first ever and I’ve been surfing the net for years.
But upon reading some of the material on your site I was saddened to find yet another Christian beguiled by sin. I am no fanatic, so I won’t be ranting and raving about how you should be burned according to Old Testament laws. Too many confused people use the Bible to their own ends. When that end isn’t to excuse or justify their wrong behavior it’s usually used to put other people down. Too often before an encouraging word is given, you’ll receive curses to eternal damnation. My only reason for writing this is to hopefully give you something to think about.
On your “About the Author” page you state “I often write about the struggles I face trying to reconcile my faith with my sexuality.” I think every Christian goes through that in a sense. We all struggle with our faith and that sin that we struggle with the hardest. And contrary to the increasingly popular belief, homosexuality is a sin and it is definitely wrong. It is discussed in both the Old and New Testaments. Many people harp on the Old Testament because they just want to punish people but the New Testament covers it too. The first chapter of Romans discusses homosexuality (Rom. 1:19-32). Verse 26 addresses lesbians and verse 27 addresses homosexual men; verse 28 begins to talk about the possible consequences. Being turned over to a reprobate mind means that God turned them over to their sins and rejected them that they wouldn’t even seek Him any longer.
I know you said that you prayed for deliverance from your desires and you weren’t delivered. To you it probably seemed as if God turned his back on you but, God does things in his own time and his own way. Look at some of the examples in the Bible. The woman with the issue of blood was ill for 12 years before receiving her healing. The blind man was blind from birth before receiving his healing. God is a good Father and doesn’t abandon his children. We just need to learn to wait on him patiently. No we don’t know why we’re allowed to suffer some things but we don’t know the mind of God either. Job was allowed to lose his children, his health and his riches and he never knew why. It’s ironic that we know, but Job never found out.
Saul persecuted and murdered Christians before his encounter with God. He then repented and accepted God and God accepted him. David committed adultery, lied, and committed murder before he was shown his truly sinful self. He then repented and was forgiven by God. That’s the key, true repentance. Repentance isn’t just asking for forgiveness. It’s denouncing the sin that you’ve committed, confessing it before God, asking him to forgive you and making a commitment not to sin again. So I say to you, get back to your Christian roots. Repent and turn back to God before it’s too late. We don’t have to wait for death to be judged by God; look at Romans 1:28 again. They were very much alive when he decided that he didn’t want them. And just so I’m clear, that doesn’t apply to homosexuality only, that applies to any sin that we would cling to rather than clinging to God.
I hope you and any others that read this take this in the spirit that it was written.
Rod
Your story is amazing, and I have no doubt that you inspire many of your readers to live more authentically on a daily basis. Your courage is commendable.
@ thebenevolentdictator: Thanks for your kind words! I appreciate them very much.
great story, i wish i could have known myself at an earlier age. instead i have a husband and kids to think about.
Brian, thanks for sharing your story… it’s given me lots to think about!
@ leigh: That certainly makes things a little more difficult. God bless you on your journey!
@ throughthestorm: That was the whole point! :) Thanks for visiting.
Thank you so much Brian for your story, it really moved me like you have no idea! I currently just came out to most of my family and it’s going very well. The crazy thing about your story is that your circumstances are exactly what my first “real”(meaning not lying to myself and dating the ones I didn’t really want to date, opposite sex) love is going through and she tells me she isn’t gay. I can’t understand how she can say that after all these years, and I believe that’s the only real reason she wanted to “stop” was because everything you stated in your story. So, it’s really hard to deal with because we fell in-love on the “low” and we are forced to “stop” because it is “wrong,” EXTREMELY heart breaking for me! I know the only best thing for me is to move on but it’s hard because she wants to be my “friend” and I really care about her A LOT but she’s still in-love with me, I don’t know what to do, do you have any advice for me?
@ Living OUT: I’m glad that your coming out experience has been smooth so far, but I’m sorry that you are having relationship difficulties. The only advice I can give you is this…
If your girlfriend can’t come to terms with her sexuality, then she isn’t going to be happy with herself. That means she isn’t going to be happy with you, and by extension, you aren’t going to be happy. I know moving on is never easy, but in the long run, you will probably look back and realize that you made the right decision.
Having said that, she could just be getting “cold feet” about being an out-and-proud lesbian couple, and you might want to give her some time to deal with that issue before making any long-term decisions.
Whatever happens, good luck to you and congratulations on helping to make the world a better place for all of us by being open about your sexuality!
Hi Brian:
I’m glad I found your blog and was fascinated by your story. I have a similar tale, especially since my mom and dad are fundamentalist Christians. The difference is that I was a married father of three when I came to realize I was gay. Coming out was tough, and it happened on the heels of coming to a new insight that I was NOT a believer. So that was a double-whammy for my family to deal with, and most of them did not deal with it well. It took four years to reconcile, but the good news is that we have discovered a new kind of love for each other. They still are literalist Christians, and I am a Buddhist, but we are bound to each other by newfound love and respect.
@ Boy Grows Up: I’ve read some of your blog and your story is quite inspiring. I’m glad that you were able to reconcile with your family, even if it took four years.
Brian, I read your story and I just want to say that you have such strength and courage for sticking it out and living your life. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us! =)
Brian I came across your site while searching for more information on the so called article by Dr Emmanuel Tanay. Thanks for clearing that up for me.
I loved your quote on the top of the page saying “I’m not together but I’m getting there” followed by “In Repair” This quote puts into place so many people’s trials in life gay or not. I clicked on the “In Repair” and read your story.
I can only imagine the struggles you went through growing up thinking there was something wrong with you. When in reality God created us all and our sexual preferences are not something we learn they are something we are born with and are as much a part of us as the color of our eyes. It is not something broken that can be fixed much to the misunderstanding of many good people thinking they are trying to help.
I was lucky to be raised with out the sigma of predigest and that all people are equal. I was also raised in a strict Italian home, man don’t even make me go there LOL. Now I can not say how my parents would have reacted to me saying I was gay. As you found out your parents can react in different ways then you expected about life.
I have read of my cousin John Preston’s struggles growing up and coming to terms with who he was. I only got to meet John once in 1966 when he was still struggling and I was to young to recognize it. He did amazing things in his short lifetime for the fight of gay rights through his lectures, counseling and books. John passed away in 1994 from aids although he was a strong advocate for safe sexual practices. He was among the first writers to popularize the genre of safe sex stories, editing a safe sex anthology entitled Hot Living in 1985.
I hope your site helps more people who are coming to terms with who they are and learn except it freely.
Wow that’s a great blog. Ya know when I came out to my mom (my dad wasn’t in the picture at the time) she guessed all kinds of OTHER things. She says even now, 10 years later, I was so nervous and scared that she really thought it was going to be something REALLY horrible. In fact when I was tyring to tell her, door between us, she kept asking are you pregnant? are you on drugs? did you do something bad?
lol. Finally I opened the door and screamed IM GAY! Funny enough her jaw didn’t drop and her head didn’t explode like I thought it would. She was very understanding. For the first few years she was in denial (all parents go through it), especially considering the girls I was involved with at the time. No mom likes to see her kid gay OR str8t with a jerk!
Then I met this girl and we completely fell in love. I mean, completely gobsmacked in loooove. At that point my mom got over the denial and didn’t sneak in any more “look at that cute guy” comments. She just.. let me be. Years later that girl broke my heart in a million pieces and honestly? I cant even believe the way my mom and step father just completely fawned over me. Both of them were just so sad for me. It took me a little by surprise I mean I know my mom loved S.E.B (the girls initials I do not choose to let escape from my mouth.. or my fingers) as did I. And I know my step dad was SO happy I was happy, but I didn’t really think they would be that broken hearted for me.
The point is, parents rarely react the way we think they will. Sure in some cases I have heard of really BAD coming out stories, kids getting beat, thrown out of their houses, even killed almost. But for the most part parents are like children, they can completely wow you when you least expect it AND they really are quite resilient.
Anyway, I just felt the need to post that. I know I’m a few months late on this blog but better late than never. by the way im still waiting for another S.E.B to come into my life. Someday.. someday.
Brian,
I enjoyed your story of coming out…we have a few things in common. We both love Cher (your comment on my site) and my son came out to me when he was a freshman in highschool (he is now 25). I, on the other hand,was different then your parents. I would hint to him (lets say while watching a show about a teen gay) that I would love my son gay or not. I had a feeling when he was very young that he could be gay…lucky me! I have always said having a gay son is so much better then a daughter…not much PMS but all the other benefits like shopping…Cher concerts!!
I’m glad yours had a happy ending, I just can’t imagine not loving me son because of that…insane. I also like your site…glad you stumbled on mine so I could find yours. Best to you and your partner, let all gay people one day have the same rights as everyone else :)
Daily Dalia
Again this was a really good read. I can totally see where you are coming from. Both my father and my uncle are pastor and co-pastor of a small church. My uncle’s son (by marriage) revealed his sexuality to his parents some years ago. He went through much of what you went through, as does my good friend (who recently found out he has aids). I used to be totally unaccepting of it because I was on the outside looking in. Now that I have people who I love dearly that are homosexual, my whole perspective on it has changed. Totally. I love how you put things, you are pretty talented.
Wow, dude…I could always kinda imagine what it was like…but reading this was like watching a movie. Very eloquent, and I think I know my coworker and my boss a little better now. As cranky as he is, your dad is a great guy. I can understand a lot of the emotion you went through, as I went through it as well…just with different circumstances. ANYWAY, enough of this depressing rambling…I’m gonna go see if I can dig up that Beyonce clip from The Today Show XD! *goes into stupor*
This story is touching and I am so happy that things worked out ok. It looks like sharing your story helps people open their eyes a little. Why are (we) as a population so judgey? We shouldn’t be! :)
Very encouraging!
Brian,
I stumbled across your website when looking for a way to hack into my new LG Dare phone (worked great, btw, thanks!). While here I read your story of coming out. Very heartfelt and touching. It’s a sad story that I’m sure is re-enacted in homes and lives all over the country, and world, and is a sad commentary on the lack of tolerance, intelligence, enlightenment of both humanity and especially religion. At least yours has a fairly happy ending. You’re a more complete person now and you discovered that your father is a better man than you thought. Too bad your mother doesn’t seem to be able to handle it as well.
I lost my faith in God years ago. Truth be told, I never really had it to begin with. I’ve been an athiest my whole life but it took years of searching for answers to finally understand and accept it, and to understand that it doesn’t make me a bad person.
Anyhow, I’m glad you lived to tell the tale, and I hope that others find inspiration from your story and from it become brave enough to make their journey to self-understanding and fullfillment. I have children your age and I cannot imagine not loving them because of anything. Gay people are just people. I have so many gay friends that are terrific parents. I know a whole lot more heterosexual people that are terrible parents, and terrible people in general. Many of them are religous. It constantly amazes me just how hateful and damaging religion can be. Something that is supposed to make us feel better and less fearful turns so many people into bigots. It’s sad and pathetic. And only surves to further my beliefs.
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you continue to live a happy and rewarding life. Good luck.
@ Scott: Thanks for your comment. I really appreciate it.
Hello Brian,
My name is Joe, and I am a freshman in high school.
It’s an all boys Catholic school, and it is somewhat conservative. I have found my place there with other guys my age that are out to the world or only out to a few people.
I know that I am gay… I know it very well, it’s just too hard for me to come out.
This story about the ups and downs of your life has truly inspired me to talk to my parents about the “real me.”
I think they will take it well; we are a somewhat liberal family, politicaly and morally.
It’s just a big burden: I am Catholic, and I am afraid that I will be frowned upon by my more “old-fashion” and conservative grandparents and aunts and uncles…
But I am happy I came across your website.
Truly inspiring!
Best,
Joe
You are truly amazing. I’m sorry you went through so much, but hopefully your story can inspire others. Have no doubt God loves you.
Wow… I’m a mom of 3 very young boys. And I’ve just embraced Christianity. But being a realist, I know that one day, one of them would turn to me and tell me they were gay. All I know is, at least I won’t have a bitchy daughter in law. ;)
Whatever it is, I should think God loves everyone. And that’s my stance.
So, hope all is well with your mom n sis, now. Do take care.
Brian,
I came upon your site by “accident” while checking on the veracity of the article on Muslim faith someone sent me. I really enjoyed your heartfelt story. Funny how God works to make “accidents” happen…I’ve never blogged but I have decided this accident is my sign to offer a few comments I hope will be worthwhile.
I come with the perspective of a middle-aged father of 3 girls in Texas who recently had my oldest come out to us. It was a surprise but not a complete shock, as many signs had been there, but we had not really pieced things together. Even though we are a pretty liberal household and she has a strong network of friends and family available (including therapy), the pain and confusion involved with burying such an integral part of herself and trying to fit in had resulted in self-harm and other issues over the past couple years. When she told us, she had known for some time, and I think really came to realize it after trying to make a boy relationship work last year.
Anyway, the big point is that we have been very open and understanding, and have worked through it as a family in what I hope has been the best way possible. We have continued to support therapy for her, and got her involved in a support group of her peers that meets weekly. We have talked openly and with humor and love. It does not mean it is easy as a parent to face the situation. As parents, we are lying to ourselves if we do not realize there is some significant pain associated with this at times. Things like realizing there will never be a traditional wedding, or the son-in-law I had imagined for years, and such. And most impactful, coming to the realization that this is a very hard road in many ways for my cherished daughter to have to travel, and wishing she did not have to face the difficulties associated with being gay in a more open but still somewhat judgmental culture. But you know what? This is far, far, FAR outweighed by the love we have for our daughter and the desire for her to find happiness and peace in her life. I am a very active Christian believer, but I do not believe we get a choice in the vast majority of cases as to what our sexuality is. And I don’t believe that Christ means us to deny this aspect of ourselves as some sort of Job-like test. I am just a regular guy, so I guess I won’t know for sure until I check out of this life, but in the meantime it is a very firm belief of mine that we are made the way we are. And since God made us, doesn’t it stand to reason that the way we have been created is ok?
I believe, like Brian’s story, that my daughter probably expected me to have much more difficulty with this. I am a successful executive in a conservative region. I am a fiscal conservative (she and her Mom still sometimes don’t seem to really believe that I can vote Republican because of fiscal concerns but still be socially liberal…really I am probably a Libertarian I guess..). I’m as attracted to her Mom as I was 20 years ago and it probably shows. Anyway, the point is that I think and hope she got a much more positive and loving immediate and long-term reaction than she might have imagined. And I think this may be true for many parents out there.
I am not minimizing the negatives – I have heard plenty of horror stories about parents and churches not being at all accepting. But at the end of the day, your authenticity is most important. If you can’t come to grips with who you are, you will end up at best severely limiting yourself in your short time on this planet, or at worst harming yourself (or worse). So, get some resources in place, take the leap of faith and test your parents if you are in the situation Brian or my daughter were before they came out. It’s a risk you have to take, and it is one I pray works out for you. God loves us all.
@ Phil: Thanks for a beautiful comment. God bless you.
I feel for anyone that has to go through such a devastating and painful revelation about themselves but like Rod said, we cannot deny that God forbids sin in our lives–I am a single woman who has never been married and I have practically lived most of my life as a celibate. I am 51 years old. This has not been easy and I still struggle with it sometimes. God never ask us to do anything that we are not capable of doing–we just have to trust in him, be persistent and be willing to get rid of sin at any cost. He never promised it would be easy, just that he would be there to give us what we needed to get through it. Not having sex for the rest of your life, as you say, is not such a bad thing and in fact frees your mind to focus on more worthwhile things in life. I have been feeling lately that marriage is on the horizon, but even if it doesn’t occur, I will continue to live in holy celibacy until I am married or I am dead. I am a happy, well adjusted woman who loves life, men and all the things others like and desire, I’ve just decided that living fully for God was greater and better.
I wish you God’s blessings on finding your way back to the Lord–his mercies extend forever, but you don’t want to wait until it’s too late. He loves you no matter what you have done and what you are, he only wants true devotion–and that includes from everyone.
Brian, I found your site as i was looking for the song, “Consider the Lilies” I am working on a webpage for myself and liked some of your tabs…so I started learning about you. I like your page. Your story is not so different from many so I understand. I am a follower of Christ, and write a blog, IWANNABE…like JESUS. It is sad that so many Christians have come to represent individuals that do more talking than walking the walk. I pray everyday that I will be more like Jesus.
We cannot make it in this world alone as a follower, for the way is too narrow and the world yells so loud. We must find other true follows of Jesus to walk with us, to challenge us and motivate us to searching the scripture for answers.
We are told in the scriptures that “greater is he that is in me, than he that is in the world.” It is not for me to pick and choose the verses that fit me and my lifestyle. God’s standard is there for us to follow. I must say that when I seek to know what is right/wrong I search the scripture. It is the only truth we have. Manmade truth will fail us. The Word is the best source for answers to this life’s questions. The Holy Spirit will also give you answers. The problem is that many times, individuals interpret things to say what we want them to say. God forbid this.
I started a Women’s Bible Study to seek God’s word concerning God’s standard for our lives. We are at Romans 2. As I read these verses Paul did not assign any degrees to the sins listed. Sin is sin and we are ALL guilty. Me it is power and submission and have always have wrestled with it all my life. God within me has given me strength to overcome this addiction in my life. I missed many opportunities that i was capable and trained for because of my problem. Does this sins ugly head pop up ever so often? Yes but God gives me the strength and power to withstand any temptation to succumb.
Too often so called, “Christians” hypocritically judge those around them that commit the “bad” sins, while they only commit the “little” sins. Paul tells these people to beware for they will be judged by their own standards. Can we condone our sins because of this no. We will all stand before God. He is the just God.
Brian, a lot of people commented to you. But what they say and what I say or feel about any given sin is irrelevant. Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and these things will be added unto you.” Matthew 6:33 and Matthew 16:24 24 Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” Daily, I am called to die to my own lustful ways. Followers of Christ do that in order to become like Christ.
May God be with you brother as you continue to seek Him. He will not lead you astray. Would love to hear from you and check out my blog. Walking together.
Im a 16 year old “Asian” boy. My family is very religious, and all they wish is for me to married a girl and live a happy life. thats what they see in there eyes. but in my eyes…Im gay. i dont know how to tell them. i to scare to face them, even writting a letter. but i feel like im lieing to my heart. all i want to ask is, can you please help me. im really scare. how can i come out without hurting them?
@ Nia: I would really recommend not doing anything until you are completely ready. It is never going to be easy, but you will know when it’s the right time. Don’t do anything to jeopardize your living situation, because you are far too young to support yourself at sixteen. I wish I could give you more meaningful guidance, but that’s about all I know to tell you. It DOES get better! =)
but what if the right time pass, what if i miss that perfect chance? i know that if i dont tell them sooner or later i would beat/kill myself for it. my dad stop smoking and trying to get the family together. but im afraid i would ruined the family he had worked so hard for. Im also afraid about my mom, she the kind of women who do anything to get me better, even meant by force. what if she change everything and made it worse for me. i cant take the pain :(. by the way, im very emotional becuase my family raised me like tha and would tell words that parent shouldnt say to there kid. so please.. is there anyother way to come out???
@ Nia: Given your circumstances, wouldn’t it be better to wait until you are out on your own? There are times in our lives when we have to stay or go back into the closet in order to protect ourselves from people who want to hurt us. That doesn’t change the fact that we are gay, it just keeps others from reacting to something they don’t understand. Killing yourself is NEVER an option, so don’t even think along those lines. We are all here for a reason.
Thank you, thank you, but dont worry i never think about killing myself. I want to live and have will build the freedom I once had. Thank you
I just came out as a gay man April 13 2011. Shortly before my 30th birthday I could in some ways really relate to the story up top. All my life I have been attracted to the same sex and preyed that god would change me and make me like everyone else. I tried to reach out to god but at the wrong place, a church that told me that I would suffer eternal fire for my sexual preference. I happen to suffer with bi-polar disorder and drug/alcohol issues. due to the family related stress due to coming out depression and fear of hell that the church instilled in me I attempted suicide with as many pills as I could find. I am currently at a residential treatment center to get my life back on track so that I can get to NYC to hopefully find Mr. right. Reading about the trials and tribulations of others who are gay lesbian or bi have helped me feel much less alone
-Phil
You are definitely not alone. Hang in there, Philip!
Brian – This was an incredibly moving story…. Thank you for your courage to share this with the world. It is all inspiring even for me alread being out… I cried the whole time I am positive that you did with that return letter from your Dad! Absolutely beautiful. Peace always.
Thanks for your nice comment, John!
Hey this is really good I came to the website to look at some building pictures you wrote. And then the title grabbed me and I read the entire thing which is unusual for me. This is a great story I am not even gay however it’s interesting enjoyed it.
Hope your doing well now mate.
Thank you!
I came onto this site because I wanted to know how to safely put my shoes in the drier. I ended up reading a coming out story. That was a neat turn of events. Like going to get a hot apple pie at the Mac Donalds and it turns out Morgan Freeman is inside telling me about the trial and trivialization of his life in his soothing man-voice.
Haha! That comment is priceless. Thanks for stopping by and brightening my day! =)
Dear Brian,
6 years later, your story is still inspiring people. Thanks for sharing! You definitely inspired me. :D
P.S. You’ve probably already figured this out, but you don’t have to worry about what your family thinks. If they cannot accept you, then it’s not your problem. People can be very resistant to change, especially in beliefs that have been ingrained in them since birth. Just worry about yourself, and everything else will follow.
Thanks, John! I know you are right, but it is still difficult to put into action sometimes. ;)